Defining Success as an Expat Series Part 3
Hello Sunshine! I hope you’ve already read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series because this is going to build on those discussions. In Part 1 I introduced the idea of redefining personal success (rather than defining success as what it means for someone else). In Part 2 I mentioned 5 questions to help you vision cast and define your ideal life.
As I mentioned before, this may come easily to some of you (Ahem Type A/ISTJ/Enneagram Types 1 & 3!) but if you’re more like me (Enneagram 4/ENFP/Third Culture Kid) this may not come naturally. It’s an area of my life where I’m really working on personal growth and I hope these posts help you too.
Defining success by what it looked like for people with other personality types and different skill sets than me and it made me feel like a total failure!
I would compare myself to people who were naturally more task oriented, more goal focused, more organized, more rigid, and feel like I was failing because I didn’t live up to those standards.
Now I’ve finally accepted that’s not who I am. I want to keep growing in those areas but I’ve accepted that’s just not my personality, those aren’t things that come naturally to me. This isn’t an excuse to not work on growing in those areas, but it is acceptance for who I am which allows me freedom to use my own strengths.
The concept of “success” is something I realized I need to redefine during different seasons of my life. This is especially true as I move around alot and need to hold this concept loosely.
Every move is a stress event and “under stress we regress” as one therapist once told me. When you are in a stressful circumstance or time of life your brain reverts to ways of being and thinking that are the path of least resistance. Old habits, patterns, ways of reacting, and emotional triggers may reemerge. This idea deserves its own post which I’ll reserve for another day, but for now just know that an overseas move is a major stress event for your brain (stating the obvious here!) and personal growth may appear to halt or regress.
When you move, success may look like getting through the day without bursting into tears, finding something at the grocery store your kids will actually eat, or being able to communicate in a new language.
It’s a constant redefinition of who you are and what living well in your environment means for you.
I’ve moved internationally as an adult 3 times now (5 if you count 2 periods of repatriation to the US in between relocations) and I find this pretty challenging. I really value personal growth and having to constantly reinvent myself is…well, it’s a lot! Also, having recently turned 40 I find that I’m entering new territory in terms of my personal goals and how I want to live my life. Midlife crisis anyone? Several major events happened in the last few years (moving to Japan, back to the US, moving to France, and turning 40) that have caused me to reevaluate how I define success now in my season of life.
Here are 5 ways I currently define success for me in my season of life:
- 1- Success means forward motion. As they say, slow progress is still progress. Just because I’m not moving towards goals quickly doesn’t mean I’m not moving toward them. Plus, what is “moving towards my goals quickly” unless I’m comparing myself to someone else who is also moving towards that goal? There’s no competition except myself.
- 2- Success means I am consistently working on personal growth. I’ve been working on getting unstuck in a few areas of my life in which I want to move forward. Part of this involves breaking old habits and setting new habits. I’ve been asking myself “Is this what the best version of yourself would do right now?”, not to make myself feel shame but to have an honest conversation about what I am doing to live the life I really want to have.
- 3-Success is being really really honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses. I’m talking about things that I do well in life, what’s working for me, and the areas in which I want to grow. When talking about personal growth it’s easy to get down on ourselves about all the growth we want to have, how far we have to go to get to where we want to go (is this just me??). Personal growth does not equal negative self talk, let’s acknowledge our strong personal characteristics too! The flip side of this means that we might be in denial about things we’re doing or not doing that hold us back from growth. I want to be honest without judgement about these areas too.
- 4- Success means not comparing myself to others. It’s really easy to look at someone else and compare ourselves and feel like we’re lacking in some way. Social media is the absolute worst for this! This journey is unique and will absolutely look different than anyone else’s journey to success (and again, different from their version of success!). This is not about keeping up with the Joneses. It’s about being intentional about living your very own wonderful life.
- 5- Success means doing things to make cross cultural living sustainable. When you move internationally there’s a certain period of time where it’s all about adjusting to your new environment. Whether or not you’re moving alone or with children, there can be a sense of losing yourself.
- After you get through the initial honeymoon period you enter a period of disenchantment. You really feel how unfamiliar and different how everything is, and depending on how you’re doing during this time and the type of place you’re in, you can feel a bit lost. For me, this means that consistently doing things that bring me joy or “un-stress” are especially important (although it should be noted that when you’re adjusting cross-culturally even these things can feel stressful at times).
- This means I buy myself flowers at the corner flower stand, treat myself to a local pastry, buy the latte at Starbucks when I come across one in the wild, or let myself have an afternoon of staying home binging Netflix. In doing these things I give myself moments of “un-stress” (as much as possible) that help me sustain the cross cultural adjustment (Lots more posts coming on cross cultural adjustment!).
- However it’s not just about these little treats, it’s about consistent habits of taking care of myself. Consistently doing things that I know are healthy for me and take care of my body and mind for the long term. For me this looks like consistent exercise, eating healthy foods overall, getting outside everyday, cleaning up my apartment, planning conversations with friends and family back home. These consistent behaviors and the special things I mentioned about make life abroad sustainable for the long term (by the way how many times can I say “consistent” in one paragraph??)
[Sidenote: Even doing things consistently may not make life overseas sustainable for the long term and that’s perfectly okay. You get to decide what “long term” means for you as you live abroad, and you are not a failure if you are not happy abroad or move home before your term or your goal is reached.]
In my next post, I’m going to talk about how to set goals and how to move forward (especially if, like me, you move around a lot!). What’s one way you define success for yourself in your current season of life?
I’d really love to hear what this looks like for you!